I don't like making decisions

The owner of the company I previously worked for called me yesterday. He offered me a twist of my old job back. Apparently their IT system has collapsed since I've been gone. I can't say I'm surprised at all. Their outside company really didn't know what was going on, and when I left they had nobody internally who knew anything about computers. So they definitely want me back to work with the network system. Also, Bill, the marketing guy who I totally miss working with, has taken on a lot of government projects and needs help with the organization and logistics of it all. So where my old job was IT/Office Administration/Design & Marketing, my new job would be IT/Design & Marketing/Government research and paperwork.

I have to say I did not expect them to ever try to get me back. I had made up my mind about leaving and I left for very specific reasons, such as the following:

• Drastically underpaid for 2 years. While I don't have an IT degree, the State median for a network administrator is more than double what I was being paid.
  
• Despite telling my boss that I had commitments in Port Huron that I could not change, I was forced to work in Madison Heights every Friday. And by work I mean sit at a desk and answer maybe 3 phone calls. This required about 80 additional miles of driving on Fridays because after driving to and from Madison Heights I had to go to and from Port Huron anyway. Oh, and they reimbursed mileage at $0.32 a mile. When this was all going on, gas was hovering around $3.75 - $4.25 a gallon.
  
• Stress. I only had one single vacation/sick day where I did not receive at least one phone call from work. And ironically enough, it was on the day I interviewed for the job I have now. Even after going home from work one morning with a terrible migraine, I got 2 phone calls and 14 text messages from work. Different people, different problems. None of them urgent. And I was sick!
• Unfair policies. The other office had a receptionist. (That was originally my job at the office I was at.) She made twice what I made and did about a tenth of the work. She also wore whatever she wanted to work to sit behind a desk all day. I once wore jeans because I knew I'd be on the floor under a computer most of the day, and I got yelled at for my "unprofessional-ism."
• A ton of overtime. I once worked 65 hours in a week. Twenty-four of those hours were straight. Thirty-five of them were either between 5 pm and 8 am or on Saturday or Sunday. I received not a single penny of time and a half. Straight pay only. Because they had me classified as "administrative" and they are exempt from required time and a half. [Side note: I'm "administrative" at my current job, and I get time and a half for overtime.]
  
• Holidays. We worked Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, the day after Thanksgiving, and Good Friday. I don't work any of those days now.
  

The job did have a few perks that my current job doesn't, such as the following:

• Christmas bonus. We don't get them here, but I got one every year at my old job. And it doubled every year. If this year were to follow that pattern, it would be two weeks' pay.
• More vacation time. If I was still at that job, I'd be 8 months away from being entitled to 4 weeks of vacation time a year. Right now, I get 1 week. I'll get 3 weeks in another 2 years.

They did offer me a pay raise with the new job. It's a 20% raise, but even that is still about 50% less than the State low wage for the job description.

Plus, my current job has a lot of perks that my old job didn't have such as the following:

• Much better insurance. I'm currently paying out of my check half of what I was paying for health insurance at my old job. At my old job, it was for health insurance only for me only. And it was crappy health insurance at that. Right now, paying half of what I was paying, I have outstanding health insurance for myself and Aharon with a contraceptive/fertility rider (which has already saved us over $2,000 since April), vision and dental for myself and Aharon, and disability and life for myself.
  
• Discounts. We get outrageous discounts on our products. Such good discounts, in fact, that Aharon is going to take up bow hunting and we are helping my Uncle get a new bow for a very low price. We also get free sweatshirts, t-shirts, and hats. Which is awesome. Especially since...
• The dress code here is relaxed. We are encouraged to wear our G5 and Quest clothing. Jeans are acceptable. Tennis shoes are everywhere. I've never seen a single skirt, tie, or suit coat.
  
• Every quarter, if we didn't call in at all (vacation days don't count), we get a $50 gift card. It's not much but it's a pretty easy $200 a year.
• The cool factor. Among my friends, it's cooler to work for G5 than an environmentalist group.

I do have to admit, I really miss the design work. I loved having something that I spend hours or days on be admired by so many people. I totally miss that. But would I give up what I have here for that little bit of happiness? I mean, without that, I can focus my design energies on church stuff. I really like working on that.

On the other hand, I love working here with Aharon. It's nice having the same office politics to discuss and both knowing what's going on with the company. Plus, they hired him at my request. He's a great employee and they like him, but part of the incentive to keep him is gone if I leave. Then they only have him to upset, not him and me.

Internal Conflict Ramblings

When did people get so self-absorbed? I mean, I know that we are sinful and that vanity is a very big problem in this country, but I'm talking about full-out "I'm the best person in the world" sorta stuff?

I've been having a lot of internal conflicts recently. Most of them center around one particular couple, and I do not care to make this information public. However, I've got to get my thoughts out there so they don't just bounce around in my head all the time.

I feel like as we (as people!) mature, ourselves should become less and less important. We get married, and our spouse becomes a ...responsibility, I guess, although in a good way. And then we have kids and there's even more responsibility, although in a totally different way.

And yet, I see so many people who are going through some of the "maturing" process and yet seem to be regressing in other areas. And it totally frustrates me to the point where I don't even want to associate with certain people anymore.

The worst of it is that I don't want to be considered judgmental. I try really hard to avoid that label, but I don't feel like I can sit around and act all approving of people whose decisions and actions I do not approve of. I tried really hard, and I even thought I did for a while, but I'm starting to realize I was forcing myself for the sake of others.

So I guess what I'm saying in a totally cryptic way (and no, I will not elaborate) is that I'm done. I'm not okay with the choices you are making, the way you spend your money, and the way you treat family who try very hard to love and support you. It's not an easy task. You're asking for a lot by expecting us to be happy and proud. There's not much for us to be happy about and enjoy judging by the way you're off in your own little world all of the sudden but still expect your family to provide everything for you. What happened to "control yourself; take only what you need from it"? And what's worse is that you had made progress. But then it was like you woke up one morning and decided to screw everyone who loves and cares and supports. You're going to do it your own way whether you fall flat on your face or not. And yet, when you do fall, you'll be back asking for someone else to get you by.

I refuse to be temporary support. Either you want me involved or you don't. Your actions of late say you don't, so let it be.

It will be hard, because I was very excited and full of love.

But I will not be used.

Pros and Cons

Saturday afternoon, Aharon and I went to our friends Jamie and Clare's wedding. We were excited for the wedding but also for the chance to catch up with some friends. Long story short, the reception seating was assigned. So, we invited the friends over instead.

However, I've been major slacking lately and my tiny little apartment was a huge mess.

We got a little bit of a head start, and 45 minutes after arriving home, I had accomplished all of the following:

• Washed, dried, and put away 3 days worth of dishes
• Emptied all 4 trashes and took them to the dumpster
• Swept the kitchen floor
• Vacuumed the rugs and bedroom carpet
• Wiped down the shower
• Scrubbed down the toilet
• Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom sinks
• Disinfected the kitchen and bathroom counters
• Cleaned the dust off the bathroom spacesaver
• Cleaned the bathroom and bedroom mirrors
• Dusted the electronics in the living room
  
• Made the bed
• Put away all the clean laundry and picked up dirty laundry from the bedroom floor
• Febreezed the living room carpet
• Lit 2 candles
• Filed about 20 "explanation of benefits" letters from mine and Aharon's countless trips to various doctors over the last 6 weeks

Tiny apartments ROCK!

Kill me now.

I found out last night that my class that starts this week - my very first class of my senior year of college, my very first 400 level class - is being taught by a professor I've already had.

We had to write a group research paper the last time I had her. We have to do that again this semester. My group would have gotten a perfect score, except that we lost a full letter grade for word usage. Not incorrect words. Not inappropriate words. Just words that had a better substitute. Like we used "show" instead of "demonstrate" and "teach" instead of "instruct." Is that legal?

So now, on top of working earlier, driving to Royal Oak twice a week, and the uncomfortableness that is my physical therapy, I'll be going through the next 8 weeks worrying about my word usage!

Ugh.

I am now in physical therapy two times a week. I'm not sure I'm comfortable talking about why I'm in physical therapy on the Internet, so I'm not going to. But if you personally want to know, I'm okay with sharing the gruesome details. Long story short, after my first appointment yesterday - which was mostly to meet my therapist and get a feel for how this is all going to work - I found out that not only will this correct the problem that I originally started seeking treatment for, but it will also correct 2 problems I've had my entire life and never connected to this issue as well as 1 more recent problem that I also never connected. So basically, in 6 to 8 weeks time, I'll be cured of 4 unpleasant problems!

Anyway, because of the rarity of this particular treatment, there are only 3 physical therapists who treat it within a 4 hour drive of my house. All 3 of them are at Beaumont Health Center in Royal Oak. Royal Oak!!

So, on Mondays and Wednesdays I have to go in to work at 7 a.m. so that I can leave at 3:30 and drive down to Royal Oak. My appointment is at 5 and I'm out of there at 6. If traffic is decent, I get home around 7 or 7:15 p.m. I then have to make and eat dinner and do homework.

Why can't Aharon make dinner? Because he's currently working until 8 p.m. every weeknight.

To make my life easier, I've had to sort of plan out dinners ahead of time. I used to just throw together whatever was around because it didn't matter if dinner took an hour or two to make. But there's no way we can eat dinner at 9 or 10 p.m. Especially when I have to be up the next morning by 7 at the latest.

One of the perks of both of us working in the hunting industry despite the fact that neither of us hunt is that my freezer has about 15 pounds of ground venison in it. I checked out some venison-specific recipes online, and none of them sounded that awesome. So I'm making my own dinners using the venison as a substitute for ground beef.

Here's my meal plan for now:

Tuesday, August 25: chicken and rice casserole
Wednesday, August 26 (Wipeout night!): fajita style chicken with fried jasmine rice and onions
Thursday, August 27: spaghetti with venison meatballs
Friday, August 28: BBQ venison (Also, I need to make 6 loaves of banana bread for people at work who are giving us even more venison!)
Saturday, August 29: baked salami bagels for lunch; Clare and Jamie's wedding for dinner (hahaha, that sounds funny!)

Sunday, August 30: teriyaki chicken stir fry for lunch; brinner (breakfast for dinner. in this case, scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes)
Monday, August 31: Pork Roast and mashed potatoes
Tuesday, September 1: sloppy venison joes and baked potato chunks
Wednesday, September 2 (Wipeout night!): venison dogs (chili dogs but it's left over sloppy venison joe mix, thus venison dogs) and left over baked potato chunks
Thursday, September 3: New York Strip Steak and scalloped potatoes
Friday, September 4: Cheeseburgers and corn on the cob
Saturday, September 5: Pig Roast at Nick's!

Higher Education is funny

Aharon's at home with a totally spazzing back. I'm not sure what he did, but the guy almost always has back pain, but I've never seen him in quite as much pain as he was in this morning. Luckily, work for him today was kind of optional. And even more luckily, his health insurance card arrived on Thursday. So he's home until around 2 and then he's going to the doctor...for like the first time in years with the exception of when he burned all the skin off his elbow last winter.

Anyway, I'm sitting at work right now with a pot of coffee and a 20 ounce bottle of coke. The coffee is to warm me up and wake me up, since it's freezing in this building. I also didn't sleep well all weekend thanks to being home alone most of Friday (Aharon was at a bachelor party until 5:30 am), a huge thunderstorm Saturday night (we're talking constant lightening and thunder from about midnight until around 4 am), and a small thunderstorm Sunday night coupled with Aharon flopping around trying to get comfortable despite all the pain he was in.
The coke (I normally drink diet) is to hopefully settle my stomach, which is full of unhappiness that should have been gone by now. (TMI: birth control. Doctor said it would take 3 months to really feel the effects. I'm going on 4 months and do not feel any better.)

But the point of my post is really this: college and why people hate me/I hate myself.

I had a class that started one week before my wedding. Stress management, ironically enough. Right away I found out I had to do a book report (because apparently senior in college equals fifth grade) and write a paper about past experiences with stressful times. The paper was due while I was on my honeymoon, so I sat down right away and did it. I can't say I put a lot of effort into it. I got a perfect score on it.

So I slacked a little. I went on my honeymoon. I came home and picked up my book for my report from the library. It sat untouched on my kitchen table for about 3 weeks. Then I realized I had two weeks to do the four-page paper. I read the first 3 pages of the book and then set it aside.

One week later, I read about nine random pages, then set out to write the report. I spend about twenty minutes writing it on Monday, and then about 15 minutes finishing it up on Tuesday. Including reading time, I probably put about 2 hours into the entire project. Aharon was upset with me for not taking school seriously. (I never have, though. He knew this before the wedding!) I told him that the wedding made me slack and that I'd do better next semester.

I got my paper back Saturday night.

I got a 100%.

Aharon = furious.
Sarah = a little disappointed that I was basically rewarded for being the biggest slacker-who-is-still-a-straight-A-student in the history of the school.

I want to get a degree. I want to learn. I just don't want to do homework or learn about stress or read books.

It's not my fault that school comes naturally to me. Ask my mom, if I would have put even a slight effort into high school, I easily could have been top of my class. Instead I slacked off and graduated fourth. I was thrilled about that, but I knew I could have done better.

I guess I just don't have any motivation.

That's why I want to go to law school. I think it's the one thing that would actually provide a challenge to me and be interesting at the same time! I may actually put some effort into law school. 'May' being the key word, here, though. Because after I graduated magna cum laude and not summa cum laude when I earned my Associates, I said I would actually apply myself at Siena. That clearly hasn't happened.

Cold?

I would just like to say that never once during the winter did I say anything about wanting it to be warm outside, being anxious for summer to get here, or anything else like that.

So I feel that I have no problem saying this:

1. I hate summer.
2. I can not wait until winter.
3. Fall is okay, but the allergens are pretty bad. The cool weather is nice, though.
4. Is it winter yet?
5. How much longer until winter?