Internal Conflict Ramblings

When did people get so self-absorbed? I mean, I know that we are sinful and that vanity is a very big problem in this country, but I'm talking about full-out "I'm the best person in the world" sorta stuff?

I've been having a lot of internal conflicts recently. Most of them center around one particular couple, and I do not care to make this information public. However, I've got to get my thoughts out there so they don't just bounce around in my head all the time.

I feel like as we (as people!) mature, ourselves should become less and less important. We get married, and our spouse becomes a ...responsibility, I guess, although in a good way. And then we have kids and there's even more responsibility, although in a totally different way.

And yet, I see so many people who are going through some of the "maturing" process and yet seem to be regressing in other areas. And it totally frustrates me to the point where I don't even want to associate with certain people anymore.

The worst of it is that I don't want to be considered judgmental. I try really hard to avoid that label, but I don't feel like I can sit around and act all approving of people whose decisions and actions I do not approve of. I tried really hard, and I even thought I did for a while, but I'm starting to realize I was forcing myself for the sake of others.

So I guess what I'm saying in a totally cryptic way (and no, I will not elaborate) is that I'm done. I'm not okay with the choices you are making, the way you spend your money, and the way you treat family who try very hard to love and support you. It's not an easy task. You're asking for a lot by expecting us to be happy and proud. There's not much for us to be happy about and enjoy judging by the way you're off in your own little world all of the sudden but still expect your family to provide everything for you. What happened to "control yourself; take only what you need from it"? And what's worse is that you had made progress. But then it was like you woke up one morning and decided to screw everyone who loves and cares and supports. You're going to do it your own way whether you fall flat on your face or not. And yet, when you do fall, you'll be back asking for someone else to get you by.

I refuse to be temporary support. Either you want me involved or you don't. Your actions of late say you don't, so let it be.

It will be hard, because I was very excited and full of love.

But I will not be used.

Blessings

Aharon and I had our wedding shower this weekend. Rather than doing one for my family, one for his family, and one for our church family, we did one big shower. (I'm glad we did because I'm running out of weekends!) While it was a bit of a headache to put together, it ended up being wonderful. (Although none of his extended family showed up!)

I have never before felt so blessed and loved. Aharon and I got everything we could possibly need and then some. Our apartment is small - around 350 square feet counting closet space. We went ahead and registered for all the necessities; we knew with the limited space we couldn't really go overboard. But we never thought that every single thing on all three registries would be purchased! And, because Aharon's excellent at visualizing what he's organizing before it's done, everything was put away nicely by him in under 3 hours.

We were a little worried about starting off this way. Neither of us has ever lived away from home, so we didn't have anything that we needed. Aharon was also unemployed until March, so we were concerned about paying for what we were going to have to buy. And with the economy as it is, we didn't expect people to really spend much.

But God had a different idea! In the last three month, Aharon and I were able to purchase - without touching our savings - my wedding dress, a suit for him, new tires for both of our cars, some much needed repairs for his car, a new HDTV, and a bed frame and mattress set. And then the shower provided every single thing we still needed for our apartment!

We are both so thankful.

And once I finish setting up and organizing the bedroom I will get some pictures up! Promise! But right now you do not want to see that disaster area!

I Wonder

Two updates in one day! What is this world coming to?

In high school, I had a few friends at school. Elise, Aharon, Nick, and a few others. But my closest friends were a group of six of us from church. Myself, Kadie, Micah, Jamie, Chelsea, and Vince. We hung out all the time. It was a great time. I had such a blast with them and made some great memories. However, after Jamie and I graduated, we started to fall apart. Vince didn't come around as much, and adding Aharon to the group kind of threw off our previous dynamic. Eventually, Vince all but disappeared, and Jamie started dating Clare. That kind of pulled him from the group, and with Vince around less and it turning into couples, Chelsea faded away, too. Then Micah and Kadie broke up and it was a hard adjustment because my tight group of friends was no longer the same at all. (Except myself and Kadie) But, life goes on and new groups of friends were made.

On Saturday, Vince's dad died unexpectedly.

Today I went to the funeral home. It was strange to see Vince again. It's probably been 2 years since I saw him and 3 years since we really talked at all. But it was nice, despite the circumstances. It reminded me that life is short and unexpected. And the memories we make and the friends we meet on the way are important in their own time. I can't imagine what Vince is going through, and I wish we were still close and that I could say or do something to help.

Some of the best memories I have of youth group and high school are memories made with Vince and the rest of our group. I only hope that he has memories of his dad that he can reflect on. I know it's not the same, but a memory is better than nothing at all.

He strengthens and sustains, He guards and He guides...You can't outlive Him and you can't live without Him. That's my King!

If I knew what to name this I probably wouldn't be sitting here doing nothing.

Sometimes, I think I try to justify or understand younger people's actions by thinking back to when I was that age and asking myself I would have perhaps done the same thing or not. Because if so, maybe everything will turn out okay.

This is not one of those situations.